I'm past the point of no return, though I feel this point has come far too soon. I blame the structure of things, the walls created by the by the fearful, the selfish, the victims, and they tyrants. I have been tossed into the ocean by a cadre of callous dragons and the wayward flocks, so what choice do I have? The riptide cannot be trusted, therefore passiveness is a weakness. I have little competence in my ability to swim, but if I push myself at first I'm sure that will be gained. There is a strength in me, I am sure, but I must also remember to work smarter, not harder. 

My greatest fear is drowning. My allies can only do for me as much as a floating piece of debris can. I must fight if I am to make to shore. This is the way, and my fear is my greatest weakness.

Connections, Part 1 first draft

After sealing himself in his apartment, away from chaos that was New York City, Roland Burke's first priority was to mix himself a drink. He grabbed the half-empty bottles of Absolute, Kahlua, and Bailey's from their rightful place in the cabinet over the sink and proceeded to mix them with just enough milk to keep the taste of alcohol from getting to him too much. Once satisfied with the drink, he proceeded to his bedroom where he was eager to lay down and savor solitude.

Roland took a mouthful of his White Russian before placing it on the night stand, then sprawled out in bed. He didn't care that his shoes were on the bed, or that his suite would wrinkle. Here, tucked safely away in his meticulously constructed kingdom, he was free to do as he pleased. 

It wasn't long until his peace was shattered. Just as he was about to take another mouthful his phone began to vibrate. Muttering a curse under his breath, he took a swig then sigh before answering his phone. "Hey... not much, I just got in the door... Thanks for the congratulations... eh, I still love print as a medium but twenty-four-hour broadcasting and the internet have changed the beast... I know you've heard my ramblings before... you either adapt or die... don't give me any of that bullshit... quite fucking true... to be honest, I was planning on spending the night in...hello? Hello?" 

He looked at his cell and saw that he'd lost signal. Normally he had a full five bars throughout the entire block, but he didn't make much of it. Roland was relieved that he could return to his solitude and quickly drifted off to sleep.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep right now. My throat is soar and too much is running through my mind. The sun light has already crept through the shades, creating a defuse glow that lingers like the half-thoughts in my head.

I was told a short work of mine from this site was read at a party. That hurts. It feels like my trust was violated. Everyone can't help but hurt each other.

Lately I've been pulling in on myself. I'm stressed, anxious, and depressed. I'm loosing interest in things I normally love. I feel like I need a new beginning. I'm afraid I may live as a drifter eventually. 

I'm a wreck. My emotions are all in a knot. Guilt, love, anger, fear, hope; it's all waging war right around my stomach. 

Fetish of the Week/Month/Interval That Works Best

Welcome to a new segment on my blog called Fetish of the Week. During this segment I research and highlight an obscure sexual fetish. You see, some people thing Rule 34 is a joke, but I'm here to prove it is quite real.

This week's fetish is the quicksand fetish. This one is rather self-explanatory, as it is the sexual fascination of sinking in quicksand. I'm sure this is a lot more popular with older generations seeing that the quicksand cliche isn't as prominent as it was back in the era of Tarzan and cheesy B movies, nearly all of us have encountered quicksand at least at one point during our childhood. While quicksand fetishism may seem bizarre and counter productive from the Darwinian standpoint (if you can't get off outside of a bog then the chance of you passing your genes on slim), it does have some fairly universally appealing characteristics.

Dominant and submissive roles tend to be a strong facet behind the psychology of sex, and the person caught in quicksand seems to fulfill the later to a T (while I'm not too familiar with the intricacies of this fetish, I can't really think of a scenario where a dominant person is sinking). While donning a gimp suit and being tortured with whips and chains may get some off, I'm sure the pain involved isn't appealing for every submissive out there. A few lashings aren't really my bag, so a mud bath (I hear they are quite soothing) would be welcome over that.

From a tactile perspective, mud can be rather pleasing. While it currently is a hassle while I traverse UConn, I remember a time where I would play in the backyard with my tonkas around a small pit of mud. Getting muddy was such a staple of childhood that I guess it's only inevitable that some people might not grow out of that. Also, who doesn't love a little mud wrestling? How often have we heard of guys raving when they hear about girl on girl mud wrestling? Well, quicksand fetishism seems like it's just taking the next step!

Two of the most common noises heard mid-coitus are the moan and the whimper. What are two of the most common noises heard while being trapped in quicksand? The moan and the whimper. Coincidence?

While I've done my piece to try to make this unusual fetish a little easier to understand, don't think I believe everyone should get on the band wagon. I don't judge any fetish, but do be forewarned that this can be taken to extremes (see Drowning on page 290). However, if you avoid solo treks to your local swamp and just be responsible, I don't see any harm in this save for a los shoe or a yeast infection (I can be wrong, though, as I am no expert on yeast infections).

I'm not sure yet if I should end this segment with a fairly generic sample of the fetish of the week. Even if I do, it will always be something tasteful (ie. no nudity) if not safe for work, so, without further adieu I leave you with the youtube video that initially tipped me off about this messy fetish.

(this video does not contain sexual acts or nudity)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvGeLGeFrrU

Tune in next week/month/interval that works best, and if you have heard of a particularly interesting example of rule 34, feel free to fill me in and it be the next FETISH OF THE WEEK/MONTH/INTERVAL THAT WORKS BEST!
-Jake

Greatness Can Not Be Reached

I feel drained, and I have for a while. Three weeks at least, if my improvisation is any indicator. I really need to learn to be content without being the greatest. It's a problem that's plagued me all my life.

Right now I feel like I've strived to accomplish so much yet accomplished so little. I'm a failure by my standards. There is always some way I can be better. Always.

Why can't I find a way to tell any of this to Kat? The best thing I can open up to is a blog. I need some sleep.

Stream of Consciousness Again

These decisions I must make...I'm hesitating. I've preached decisive action and now I am left feeling like a hypocrit. What happened to valuing friendship? What happened to feeling a connection to people. I feel like I've lost so much. I feel like I'm lost. I've fallen and instead of knowing how to stand I find all I wish is to sleep. It's my sole want, for I can't really put my finger on clear wants.

I do a great deal, but is what I do what I want to do? Do I merely want the title of one who does such things? Is who I'm with who I want? Are those I'm not with the ones I want? I am a wayward ship without a compas, and a cloudy sky blocking my view of the stars. Buddha says there is a source to all suffering, but it is one I have yet to find. Is it because I have to work to find it, and it's just so much easier to sleep? Why do I not sleep just to satisfy the urge?

I want to create right now. I want to be valuable. I want my life to have some value to me. It seems my problem is I keep wanting that stock to go up.

Why can't I talk to her? Why can't she talk back? Does she want to listen? Will it all be healthy? Whose setting the trap this time? I want to solve the mystery. I believe time brings with it closure. Is that a lie? It is, and it might we why I'm waiting for the future.

Closure.

Close.

Lose.

I want to feel lust again. I haven't felt it in weeks. I want something to ignite passion in me. I want to lust.

Fuck you. Fuck you for judging me. You all feel the same and yet "eww Jake" hides your own fucking shame. I hate you. Why do you do this to me? I want to cause you all pain. I want to share my suffering with you. Then you can see. I have the potential to be a madman.

Absurd Ramblings of a tired Madman.

Maybe I can love you all after I've reconciled my hate. You've hurt me so often. Fuck you.

If suffering alone taught, then all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added understanding, compassion, patience, love, openness, and the willingnessto remain vulnerable.- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I've said it before: I'm nineteen years old, what the fuck do I know? I say this a lot when I offer advice as a word of caution. Roughly translated, in Jake-speak it means "I want to help you out with what I've learned in life but I'm afraid to commit to it because I might be wrong". I want to be wise. Make the smart choices. Minimize my fuck-ups. Make it seem like I'm less of a fool than I actually am.

My parents have taught me two things. One, respect is earned, never deserved (despite my father's insistence). Two, age alone does not make one wise. Then what does? What magical elixer would transform the beliefs of a nineteen-year-old fool into something meaningful and lasting? I thought suffering was the answer. That posed a bit of a problem for me, since I didn't feel I had suffered at all.

Sure, I was tormented as a kid, maybe a bit more than most, but I know one or two guys who were right there with me getting tormented just the same and I know it didn't make them any more wise. My parents...my parents used to always be fighting. I don't want to try to go back and remember all of it. I can see my dad sleeping during the day in that massive bed with the black padded edges. Me and my brother had to be very quiet because my dad worked the graveyard shift. I can't remember whether he quit because he could't take the hours anymore, or if he was, like he often was, laid off again. I remember my mother's dread spreading to me and my brother whenever we'd here is truck pull in early from work, afraid he'd lost another job. My mother would cry a lot. My grandparents would always bitch about him, about how my mother should just get up and leave him. I had heard the bitching so much it stopped phasing me, all except for a mild discomfort I could never shake. My father had a tendency of smashing things, to this day the sound that makes me jump the most is shattered glass, and there was one pretty bad night when my dad went about smashing things, I think it might have been my parents wedding picture, and my mom was screaming at him and my dad was shouting back, and I ran out of the house crying. Fortunatly my neighbor, Jason, my best friend back then, was up, and the two of us went to hang out in our joint back yard (we lived in a duplex). I remember crying and him telling me that his parents got a divorce and it all worked out, and I think from that point on I wanted them to get divorced.

I don't remember when, but things seemed to get better between them. They still seem miserable with each other, but after they got better jobs and we moved to Waterbury I don't hear them shout the same at each other. My dad's not the family problem anymore, though, I am. For the past few years I've been nothing but lazy, arrogant, disrespectful, and an ungrateful burden to this family according to this family. I'm not even sure what's true and what not. For instance, over this past break I've taken to lying on the couch because it does't hurt my back. The bed in my room kills my back, it has for years, I've even been taken to the family doctor because of the pain it would cause. My parents have had three years and they still haven't replaced the bed. My dad, however, wants me in my room. I asked him why and he just shouted at me, telling me he was the law of the house as he slammed the door on the way out of the house. The other day I woke up by hearing my parents shout about me, my dad saying "I don't care, he's nineteen he can get his own place. I don't want him in my house.", my mom replying "you're crazy", my dad saying "he has no respect for me. I told him not to sleep out there and he basicly said 'screw you'"(for the record, I said "Why can't I sleep out here? My bed kills my back.", although he might not have heard the whole thing as he stormed out of the house). Apparently from the snippets I've gathered he doesn't have a reason other than its his house, his law.

Respect is earned, not given.

*sigh* I've ranted a bit, and it doesn't really fit in this post but I rather post it for people to read than not. Maybe my parents are as bad as people tell me. People aren't actually here for what's going on, and they're only hearing my side of the argument. I always have the doubt.

Enough of that, the point of this post is that I thought suffering alone validated my beliefs, that pain would guide me true. The above quote made me think about that, and how wrong that belief was. I can be patient I suppose, and this post seems a good indication of openness. Love and compassion...I used to be very compassionate individual, very empathetic, but it feels like that's changed. I've really gotten caught up in what I want, caught up in me. While playing Call of Duty 4 the other day I realized how awe-inspiring and admirable it is that people really do put their lives on the line for something greater. I don't think I'd do the same currently, I seem to value my own life much more of others. It feels wrong. In my quest for wisdom it feels like I've lost track of that part of myself. I've become more distant, less idealistic.

And finally I've tried to make myself more vulnerable for life, but I don't think I really understand what it means. I've been taking more risks, pushing myself outside my comfort zone and what not, but I don't think that's what it means. At least not entirely. There are still things I don't seem willing to accept: being wrong, being unremarkable, being weak.

I feel better now, and if you've gotten this far then I thank you. It means a lot to me to know people read what I have to say, more so than it seems. I feel like I've gotten to the bottom of something, but charging at it and trying to champion it like I do with so many other things is a mistake. My gut tells me so. I just have to try to life better I guess. It all seems to come back to that.

Thank you,
Jake

I haven't posted in a while, and I feel bad about that. I've tried writing a few posts but haven't followed them through. Break has been a bit of a blur. There were a few great thigns, but one thing definatly stands out. Something very good.

I started talking to someone I had met over the semester, and I all I can say is I'm really happy I did. And hopeful. I haven't been that in a while. Looking back on it, it seems like only chance that we really started talking. I had forgotten my wallet in my dorm as we were leaving and convinced my parents to turn back around. After getting it I suggested getting somethign to eat at McMahon, happened to see her there, and we realized we weren't friends of facebook. It snowballed from there.

Things are working out. Things are working out really well.

Goodnight, and thank you all for reading.

Yesterday I finished classes, although I didn't go to any of them. Seems like that's been thte story of this semester. It's a bad habit I have a bad feeling I won't shake next semester. Of all the things I feel I should take seriously academics is the foremost, and of all the things I take seriously academics is the leastmost.

So many things have happened this semester, and so much has changed, yet it seems like very little progress has been made. There is definatly a lesson I learned, or at least things I was supposed to unlearn. Two steps forward and one step back, and all that shit. I crossed that line I promised myself I'd never crossed, but it wasn't as shallow as I thought, but it's no place to dwell for too long.

Tuesday brought with something I had desired more than anything else: closure. I had braced myself to be hurt, but I wasn't surprisingly. It was odd, walking away from it all I felt free. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It seemed like I had before me an infinite series of possibilities, and the fact that I met new people later that day proved it. Tonight even brought further proof of my freedom. It feels good.

I am still so young and have so much to learn. It doesn't quite make me happy, but it does seem to give me purpose.

What do I want in a girl? It's a question I've asked myself a lot, and with each person I like I revise what I like, what I want.

I want a girl who is artsy. She likes to do things ranging from crafts to performing arts. I want to have poetry written about me. I want us to lose ourseles in our own creativity.

I want a girl who not only things naming her breasts The Sound and The Fury is a hilarious idea, but she'll go along with it.

I want a girl who enjoys being physicall active

I want a girl who is curvy and mostly comfortable with the fact she is curvy.

I want a girl with strange whims I can indulge.

I want a girl who can be my Harley Quinn, and I her Joker. I want a girl who can be my Mara Jade, and I her Luke Skywalker. I want a girl who can be my Tonks, and I her Lupin.

I want a girl who will come to my shows, and I want to be able to return the favor just the same. I want to sit in her audience and smile and see her shine.

I want a girl who'll enjoy baking with me, then cuddle under a nice toasty blanket for the rest of the evening as we savor our delicious but imperfect cookies.

I want a girl who I can make laugh. She won't get Will Farrel and she'll fall in love with all the funny shit I enjoy. I want a girl who is curiously ignorant of good comedy but willing to learn.

I want a girl who feels just as lost as I do.

I want a girl with a healthy appreciation for video games and the internet.

I want a girl who loves a good massage and can give one in return, especially scratching the bag of her head.

I want a girl who has suffered.

I want a girl who wants some adventure, to see and explore the world.

I want a girl with a healthy taste for hard liquor.

I want a girl who can be aggressive, but I can make quiver and tremble when it comes right down to it.

I want a girl who likes musicals and will sing poorly with me, we'll half-mumble the lyrics to our favorite indie songs together, and then dance like crazy when something catchy is playing. I want us to dance with no music playing.

I want a girl who likes to dress up in odd fashions, and will go clothes shopping with me to the Salvation Army. We'll rock the place and she'll actually buy the craziest thing I pick out for her.

I want a girl who will pretend to have an argument with me just to freak people out.

I want a girl who goes all out with her love for her favorite fictionl characters.

I want a girl who can surprise me and make me laugh. She'll have a black sense of humor.

I want a girl who wants to care about politics but is fed up as all hell, and doesn't see the point anymore.

I want The Science of Sleep or Eternal Sunshine to be our movie.

I want a girl who is reading this not to be discouraged if she doesn't match these all that much. I, like the rest of humanity, would likely burn paradise if it were given to me.

Update

Revelation after revelation. It's funny as all hell. The past few weeks have had their dissapointments and their stressors, but I feel like I'm definatly calming back down. I've been intense and passionate for the past few months, but I feel like its just time to relax. Try for things that are more fulfilling, substantial, and worthwhile. When it happens it'll happen I suppose. Just enjoy what I have while its here I suppose.

Seems like half of the people I know have some sort of relationship drama. Either someone wants someone they can't have, have someone after them they don't want, or keep clinging on to sinking/unhealthy relationships. At least you, Vic, have something stable (although congrats to Jamie! Knew it'd happen sometime). I seem to have a little smattering of the first two, although I'm avoiding the third like the plague. After the whole Julie mess I want to do things right. As for the first part, yeah, I can't think of anytime when I was single that lasted more than a month that I haven't had a liking for someone. All natural I suppose. As for people liking me whom I have no interest in...no comment. But almost all my friends though...shit, definatly makes it so I have no desire to bitch and moan anymore.

Hmm....what else has been on my mind? I haven't spoken my mind in a while. At least not the full context of my mind. So yeah, I want to be an actor now among other things. That's solidifying more and more, and it's intimidating as all fuck. Well, everything is intimidating as all fuck, but you have to grow up sometimes. I have a lot of grounds to catch up on. So much. Hey, there are a lot of successful actors who started the game far later than I, so who knows. I'm looking to try out for the Wolf in Into the Woods. Here would be my big song if I got it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivVTPr8k9ok&feature=related

Lol, that would be amazing.

I was talking to my friend about how she likes my other friend (yep, everyone is having relationship issues. Makes everyone seem like whiney bitches). She's definatly into him and expresses as much, and I've talked to himand he says he likes her a bit too, but there's something missing he says. After a while of talking about it with him we came to the conclussion that he's not making a move cause its not a challenge. He knows she wants him and, truth be told, where's the fun in that? I normally like being direct, but he mentioned how he likes the mystery, it adds to the fun, and now that I think of it I have to agree. I think that's what I've been missing: a challenge. Seems like most girls I have any interest in either come on too strong or are with someone else. Almost no one is that exciting challenge I'm looking for. Red harrings are abound, though.

This just made me smile:

Coming Attractions

Truth be told, I'm a huge fan of cinema. Sadly, while I am away at college, there are no movie theatres nearby. I tend to fall behind on what is new and coming out, especially because I don't watch TV in college either. I'm going to take a few minutes to look at some movies that are coming out that I am interested in, if nothing more than a reference for myself.

American Gangster
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0765429/trailers-me60061652
In my younger years this movie might not have appealed to me, but I have to say it looks interesting. I'll likely give it a look see eventually.

Hitman
Yeah, the movie probably wont be that great, but I love the game so I might as well give it a shot.

Awake
Its not necessarily the movie but Hayden Christensen that I want to see in this. I heard he's a really great actor, and his work in the Star Wars series was due to George Lucas's direction. I really want to see what Christensen is capable of.

The Golden Compass
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0385752/trailers-me60480803
This seems to be straight up goodness. Not much more to say than this will likely be one of the bigger movies to come out in a while.

I Am Legend
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480249/trailers-screenplay-E33164-310
I don't know anyone who would speak ill of Will Smith. He's a great actor who has stared in some of the most popular movies in the last decade. This movies seems like it'll be another good success. Apparently he will be fighting zombies/vampires. Will Smith + post apocolyptic NYC + Vampires = solid entertainment.

Youth Without Youth
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0481797/trailers-me60459433
I'm not sure what to make of this movie yet since I don't know much about it, but I do know two themes include immortality and time which is enough to catch my eye.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0408236/trailers-screenplay-E35334-314
It seems a lot of movies I'm looking at lately draw me because of the actors. This happened again. Not only am I a huge Johny Depp fan, but I love Alan Rickman too. I haven't yet disliked a Tim Burton film, the number among my favorites infact. Couple that with my growing fixation on madmen the likes of The Joker, this movie will likely be my next big fixation.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
I'm sad to admit I want to see this, especially after how much I was dissapointed with the first. However, I still love each franchise.

Cassandra's Dream
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0795493/trailers-screenplay-E36088-314
Like American Gangster, I wouldn't have been drawn to this type of movie when I was younger. I won't be jumping to see this movie in theatres, but I'll definatly make an effort to see it.

One Missed Call
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479968/trailers-me60641262
I'm a huge horror fan, and there is little to get excited about in this day and age. This looks like it'll be in the vain of The Grudge and the Ring, all of which based off of Japanese Horrors. I don't know, though, might be one too many movies of this type.

Cloverfield
While I don't know if my desire to see it will last (due mostly to the fact little is known), a monster movie set in New York definatly has me interested.

The Air I Breathe
Based off of a Chinese proverb, it seems like it'll definatly be something new. I always like movies this pretentious.

The Eye
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0406759/trailers-screenplay-E35391-314
What sold me was the trailer. I'll have to look into this a bit more.

In Bruges
I always find hitmen interesting. While a quick IMDB summary is all I've read, it's on the list for now.

Pathology
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0964539/trailers-screenplay-E35135-314
I wasn't too excited after reading the summary, but the trailer made me have a second glance. Damn, way too many movies listed here have to deal with murder.

Jumper
http://www.jumperthemovie.com/
Part of me things this may be a typical Hollywood movie, the other half tells me Sam Jackson and Hayden Christensen are in it. Hmm...


10,000 B.C.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443649/trailers-screenplay-E33985-314
I'm not super excited to see this yet, but it looks like it might be worth a glance.

Iron Man
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371746/trailers-screenplay-E34667-314
The next big super hero film, why not just be a slave to its popularity? It actually seems like it'll be pretty good. Any non-Superman super hero movie will be good after Spiderman 3. I can be wrong, however...

Indiana Jones andthe Kingdom of Crystal Skulls
Do I have a reason not to see this movie (answer: no)

The Incredible Hulk
Lol, remaking a Hulk film so soon just made me laugh, Ed Norton is attatched, so I might actually see it.

The Dark Knight
If you don't go see this movie I will put the Joker makeup on, come to your house, and re-enact the best seen of Resevoir Dogs on you.

Well, hope you enjoyed that. I'm guessing several movies will drop and then be added to this list, especially seeing its late and my judgement isn't that sound. Oh well, g'night all.

Myself and a few friends are considering putting together a little movie. I was going to write down my idea here, but I ended up typing it out over AIM so I'll just repost it. Pardon the poor quality.

it'd be about a guy, we'll call him David for now, in college who has been in a mild depression from a while. He hates what he does, but he's trudging along through school in the hopes that he'll eventually be happy
he ends up meeting a girl and falls for her. She inspires him to realize he needs to be happy in the moment. He starts to follow all of his wildest dreams and he has a brief moment of happiness until her feelings for her ex resurface and she gets back with that guy
David flies back into a depression for a bit, but instead of returning to what he was, he becomes a bit of a charicature of what he wanted to be: he's now loud, outgoing, the life of the party, etc, but that wears on him too after time
it'll all resolve with him feeling him realizing his new life isn't what he wants either and the girl he liked breaking up with her boyfriend. I dont want to end it on something happy like them getting together, but it ends with the possibility open and them taking things slow

One Late Night

I walked back into the room to find her gone. I had no idea when she's return, but sleep was beckoning and all of my muscles ached. I slid off my dirty shoes and made my way past the door frame. A soft, warm light illuminated the room just enough to be able to see, and I detected a scent that I could not place but had instilled a certain sense of nostalgia and comfort. I heard the gentle melodies of Simon and Garfunkel, and was pleasantly surprised to find it coming from an old fashioned record player that was kept in pristine condition. The room was clean, and I suddenly felt horribly out of place in my muddy jeans and old black t-shirt. I wanted a shower badly, but seeing as I had nothing to shower with and I was in an all girls dorm, I gave up on the notion.

My eyes moved around the room, taking in all the details as I tried to get a better understanding of her. The room looked like it was decorated and kept with such care that each bit would offer me a glimpse at who she really was. Every poster, every potted plant, every bit of furniture started to give me pieces off the puzzle, but only by silencing my mind and letting the room soak into me could I start to feel it. There was nothing tangible that I could possibly relate, but the intagible offered me so much. What I can say is that more than anything else, even beyond the insecurities at my own unkempt appearance, is that I felt safe, and that was the most telling detail of all.

The quiet click of the door alerted me to the fact that she had returned. She wore colorful pajamas and a towel around her neck, and how she looked seemed wholly different from what she was a mere half-hour prior. She now seemed my exact opposite. The tension in her small frame seemed to have been washed away with the dirt and grime while my every muscle felt tought. My hair was still caked with sweat, while hers was soft and gentle. He skin was warm to the touch, while mine must have seemed as cold as the late October night. I felt horribly out of place and wanted nothing more to disolve into the room around me with every sensation.

Despite unkempt state, she invited me into bed with her. She pulled me in close and I held her tight. With soft voices, we whispered to each other our inner thoughts and insecurites. My one desire was to give her with the same sense of security she was providing me. Despite how heavy sleep called to me, I tried to stay awake to make the moment last as long as it could. We talked for hours and for the first time in a long time I felt myself again. It wasn't until the sun was about rear its head over the tree line that we finally drifted off to sleep.

For a while I was worried; I thought I had everything I wanted. A while ago I used the equation happiness = satisfaction/desires. Well, while having too many desires can be a bad thing, you still can't divide by zero. We all have to want something. I thought I didn't. I was wrong.

While I've denied it for a while, I can't any longer with it now in reach. Is it in reach? I don't know...I never could quite tell. I thought I had lost it for good. How time does make a fool out of us all. *sigh* I hate being the fool.

To Tricia,

Not exposed at all, actually. It's not a bad thing, merely intriguing.

I just woke up from a really odd dream. I think it started with me on a movie set, but it progressed to me with a megacorporation hunting me and a few others. Two people in Agents were among us, but the one who really stood out was this one girl. Normally not my type at all, I surprisingly really enjoyed her company, and really started to fall for her at the end of my dream. It's a shame she was a dream, though.

Moving on from the ramblings of a half-asleep Jake, the Joker costume worked out really well. I don't have the time right now to list all of the notable reactions, but just know that the costume was sufficiently scary enough. I can't wait til Halloween.

I'm also a bit curious as to the comments on my last post: the first one being deleted before I could read it, and the second one (although I did just read it while half-asleep) is interesting.

Anyways, I'm off to go shower and find a way to keep my hair from being green and my eyebrows from being black.

I had a good weekend. Shame it's over already. Well, there is still some time left I suppose; it can become more interesting. Friday was fun, although not extroardinary. I was able to hang out with Steph for a while, watched Are you Afraid of the Dark, and played a little Katamari. Afterwards I saw a movie with Ashley and Dan, and proceeded to run into other Agents throughout the night.

Saturday was really fun. I got to buy the last of my items for the Halloween costume, as well as a few Batman graphic novels. I spent the morning with Kate and Scott shopping, and Goddamn that was crazy awesome. Then was the hay ride. I had the pleasure of being Frankenstein. I thought it was going to suck at first, because I had no clue how the hell I was going to dance for two minutes infront of people. It turned out to be a lot easier than I had expected, and vastly more fun. The time really flew by and I made $105! Good fucking times. Didn't really do anything after though. Got some food and then went to bed.

Then I had the Magic daft today. I was fairly lucky in that Josh Pittman was the only other person to draft red. While I won't bore you with the details, I had a strong Elemental/Giant/Goblin deck with minute splashes of black, green, and white. Stinkdrinker Daredevil was a strong basis for the deck, and I brought out really powerful Giants that raped pretty early. Hell, dropping 4/3s for one red is a solid drop I'd say.

Well, I should be off to go do someting productive. See you all [Laughter]

Music Videos

I have to say that I'm a huge fan of music videos as a medium. Sure, there are a lot of shitty ones out there, but there are also a good amount of really good ones. I love music videos for their sheer emotive abilities. The can tell a story, but more often than not it's completely expressive. Here is a collection of some of my favorite music videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8BWBn26bX0

I found out about this group recently, and I have to say I am a fan. While the music video is a very literal interpretation of the random sound clips in the song, it works well. The song is just very intense and I've literally spent hours dancing to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImoC-ib1Jhc

I love Indian music, and this music video does not disappoint. Dancing cowboys are always fun, especially when they put Michael Jackson to shame.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bAN7Ts0xBo

On the other end of the spectrum in Indian music is this gem. I have no clue what's going on, but its fun none the less. I can't quite tell if I'm laughing because of how fun it is, or at the dancing (as culturally insensitive as that is). Either way, a great watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4S7sN_98tg

While I'm not a huge hip-hop fan, I'm a huge fan Missy Elliot and Busta Rhymes. Their music are always a trip. Greatest trip among these is this music video. There is no explanation for this music. None.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI

What entry on music videos would be complete without this ensemble? The music video that exploded onto the Internet, it speaks for itself. All I know is that me and my friends have been planning to reenact this for about a year now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvIw5ZqC1ms

Another big hit, who wasn't addicted to this song when it came out? Got to love Beatles references, especially in that shade of green.