If suffering alone taught, then all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added understanding, compassion, patience, love, openness, and the willingnessto remain vulnerable.- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I've said it before: I'm nineteen years old, what the fuck do I know? I say this a lot when I offer advice as a word of caution. Roughly translated, in Jake-speak it means "I want to help you out with what I've learned in life but I'm afraid to commit to it because I might be wrong". I want to be wise. Make the smart choices. Minimize my fuck-ups. Make it seem like I'm less of a fool than I actually am.

My parents have taught me two things. One, respect is earned, never deserved (despite my father's insistence). Two, age alone does not make one wise. Then what does? What magical elixer would transform the beliefs of a nineteen-year-old fool into something meaningful and lasting? I thought suffering was the answer. That posed a bit of a problem for me, since I didn't feel I had suffered at all.

Sure, I was tormented as a kid, maybe a bit more than most, but I know one or two guys who were right there with me getting tormented just the same and I know it didn't make them any more wise. My parents...my parents used to always be fighting. I don't want to try to go back and remember all of it. I can see my dad sleeping during the day in that massive bed with the black padded edges. Me and my brother had to be very quiet because my dad worked the graveyard shift. I can't remember whether he quit because he could't take the hours anymore, or if he was, like he often was, laid off again. I remember my mother's dread spreading to me and my brother whenever we'd here is truck pull in early from work, afraid he'd lost another job. My mother would cry a lot. My grandparents would always bitch about him, about how my mother should just get up and leave him. I had heard the bitching so much it stopped phasing me, all except for a mild discomfort I could never shake. My father had a tendency of smashing things, to this day the sound that makes me jump the most is shattered glass, and there was one pretty bad night when my dad went about smashing things, I think it might have been my parents wedding picture, and my mom was screaming at him and my dad was shouting back, and I ran out of the house crying. Fortunatly my neighbor, Jason, my best friend back then, was up, and the two of us went to hang out in our joint back yard (we lived in a duplex). I remember crying and him telling me that his parents got a divorce and it all worked out, and I think from that point on I wanted them to get divorced.

I don't remember when, but things seemed to get better between them. They still seem miserable with each other, but after they got better jobs and we moved to Waterbury I don't hear them shout the same at each other. My dad's not the family problem anymore, though, I am. For the past few years I've been nothing but lazy, arrogant, disrespectful, and an ungrateful burden to this family according to this family. I'm not even sure what's true and what not. For instance, over this past break I've taken to lying on the couch because it does't hurt my back. The bed in my room kills my back, it has for years, I've even been taken to the family doctor because of the pain it would cause. My parents have had three years and they still haven't replaced the bed. My dad, however, wants me in my room. I asked him why and he just shouted at me, telling me he was the law of the house as he slammed the door on the way out of the house. The other day I woke up by hearing my parents shout about me, my dad saying "I don't care, he's nineteen he can get his own place. I don't want him in my house.", my mom replying "you're crazy", my dad saying "he has no respect for me. I told him not to sleep out there and he basicly said 'screw you'"(for the record, I said "Why can't I sleep out here? My bed kills my back.", although he might not have heard the whole thing as he stormed out of the house). Apparently from the snippets I've gathered he doesn't have a reason other than its his house, his law.

Respect is earned, not given.

*sigh* I've ranted a bit, and it doesn't really fit in this post but I rather post it for people to read than not. Maybe my parents are as bad as people tell me. People aren't actually here for what's going on, and they're only hearing my side of the argument. I always have the doubt.

Enough of that, the point of this post is that I thought suffering alone validated my beliefs, that pain would guide me true. The above quote made me think about that, and how wrong that belief was. I can be patient I suppose, and this post seems a good indication of openness. Love and compassion...I used to be very compassionate individual, very empathetic, but it feels like that's changed. I've really gotten caught up in what I want, caught up in me. While playing Call of Duty 4 the other day I realized how awe-inspiring and admirable it is that people really do put their lives on the line for something greater. I don't think I'd do the same currently, I seem to value my own life much more of others. It feels wrong. In my quest for wisdom it feels like I've lost track of that part of myself. I've become more distant, less idealistic.

And finally I've tried to make myself more vulnerable for life, but I don't think I really understand what it means. I've been taking more risks, pushing myself outside my comfort zone and what not, but I don't think that's what it means. At least not entirely. There are still things I don't seem willing to accept: being wrong, being unremarkable, being weak.

I feel better now, and if you've gotten this far then I thank you. It means a lot to me to know people read what I have to say, more so than it seems. I feel like I've gotten to the bottom of something, but charging at it and trying to champion it like I do with so many other things is a mistake. My gut tells me so. I just have to try to life better I guess. It all seems to come back to that.

Thank you,
Jake

I haven't posted in a while, and I feel bad about that. I've tried writing a few posts but haven't followed them through. Break has been a bit of a blur. There were a few great thigns, but one thing definatly stands out. Something very good.

I started talking to someone I had met over the semester, and I all I can say is I'm really happy I did. And hopeful. I haven't been that in a while. Looking back on it, it seems like only chance that we really started talking. I had forgotten my wallet in my dorm as we were leaving and convinced my parents to turn back around. After getting it I suggested getting somethign to eat at McMahon, happened to see her there, and we realized we weren't friends of facebook. It snowballed from there.

Things are working out. Things are working out really well.

Goodnight, and thank you all for reading.

Yesterday I finished classes, although I didn't go to any of them. Seems like that's been thte story of this semester. It's a bad habit I have a bad feeling I won't shake next semester. Of all the things I feel I should take seriously academics is the foremost, and of all the things I take seriously academics is the leastmost.

So many things have happened this semester, and so much has changed, yet it seems like very little progress has been made. There is definatly a lesson I learned, or at least things I was supposed to unlearn. Two steps forward and one step back, and all that shit. I crossed that line I promised myself I'd never crossed, but it wasn't as shallow as I thought, but it's no place to dwell for too long.

Tuesday brought with something I had desired more than anything else: closure. I had braced myself to be hurt, but I wasn't surprisingly. It was odd, walking away from it all I felt free. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It seemed like I had before me an infinite series of possibilities, and the fact that I met new people later that day proved it. Tonight even brought further proof of my freedom. It feels good.

I am still so young and have so much to learn. It doesn't quite make me happy, but it does seem to give me purpose.

What do I want in a girl? It's a question I've asked myself a lot, and with each person I like I revise what I like, what I want.

I want a girl who is artsy. She likes to do things ranging from crafts to performing arts. I want to have poetry written about me. I want us to lose ourseles in our own creativity.

I want a girl who not only things naming her breasts The Sound and The Fury is a hilarious idea, but she'll go along with it.

I want a girl who enjoys being physicall active

I want a girl who is curvy and mostly comfortable with the fact she is curvy.

I want a girl with strange whims I can indulge.

I want a girl who can be my Harley Quinn, and I her Joker. I want a girl who can be my Mara Jade, and I her Luke Skywalker. I want a girl who can be my Tonks, and I her Lupin.

I want a girl who will come to my shows, and I want to be able to return the favor just the same. I want to sit in her audience and smile and see her shine.

I want a girl who'll enjoy baking with me, then cuddle under a nice toasty blanket for the rest of the evening as we savor our delicious but imperfect cookies.

I want a girl who I can make laugh. She won't get Will Farrel and she'll fall in love with all the funny shit I enjoy. I want a girl who is curiously ignorant of good comedy but willing to learn.

I want a girl who feels just as lost as I do.

I want a girl with a healthy appreciation for video games and the internet.

I want a girl who loves a good massage and can give one in return, especially scratching the bag of her head.

I want a girl who has suffered.

I want a girl who wants some adventure, to see and explore the world.

I want a girl with a healthy taste for hard liquor.

I want a girl who can be aggressive, but I can make quiver and tremble when it comes right down to it.

I want a girl who likes musicals and will sing poorly with me, we'll half-mumble the lyrics to our favorite indie songs together, and then dance like crazy when something catchy is playing. I want us to dance with no music playing.

I want a girl who likes to dress up in odd fashions, and will go clothes shopping with me to the Salvation Army. We'll rock the place and she'll actually buy the craziest thing I pick out for her.

I want a girl who will pretend to have an argument with me just to freak people out.

I want a girl who goes all out with her love for her favorite fictionl characters.

I want a girl who can surprise me and make me laugh. She'll have a black sense of humor.

I want a girl who wants to care about politics but is fed up as all hell, and doesn't see the point anymore.

I want The Science of Sleep or Eternal Sunshine to be our movie.

I want a girl who is reading this not to be discouraged if she doesn't match these all that much. I, like the rest of humanity, would likely burn paradise if it were given to me.

Update

Revelation after revelation. It's funny as all hell. The past few weeks have had their dissapointments and their stressors, but I feel like I'm definatly calming back down. I've been intense and passionate for the past few months, but I feel like its just time to relax. Try for things that are more fulfilling, substantial, and worthwhile. When it happens it'll happen I suppose. Just enjoy what I have while its here I suppose.

Seems like half of the people I know have some sort of relationship drama. Either someone wants someone they can't have, have someone after them they don't want, or keep clinging on to sinking/unhealthy relationships. At least you, Vic, have something stable (although congrats to Jamie! Knew it'd happen sometime). I seem to have a little smattering of the first two, although I'm avoiding the third like the plague. After the whole Julie mess I want to do things right. As for the first part, yeah, I can't think of anytime when I was single that lasted more than a month that I haven't had a liking for someone. All natural I suppose. As for people liking me whom I have no interest in...no comment. But almost all my friends though...shit, definatly makes it so I have no desire to bitch and moan anymore.

Hmm....what else has been on my mind? I haven't spoken my mind in a while. At least not the full context of my mind. So yeah, I want to be an actor now among other things. That's solidifying more and more, and it's intimidating as all fuck. Well, everything is intimidating as all fuck, but you have to grow up sometimes. I have a lot of grounds to catch up on. So much. Hey, there are a lot of successful actors who started the game far later than I, so who knows. I'm looking to try out for the Wolf in Into the Woods. Here would be my big song if I got it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivVTPr8k9ok&feature=related

Lol, that would be amazing.

I was talking to my friend about how she likes my other friend (yep, everyone is having relationship issues. Makes everyone seem like whiney bitches). She's definatly into him and expresses as much, and I've talked to himand he says he likes her a bit too, but there's something missing he says. After a while of talking about it with him we came to the conclussion that he's not making a move cause its not a challenge. He knows she wants him and, truth be told, where's the fun in that? I normally like being direct, but he mentioned how he likes the mystery, it adds to the fun, and now that I think of it I have to agree. I think that's what I've been missing: a challenge. Seems like most girls I have any interest in either come on too strong or are with someone else. Almost no one is that exciting challenge I'm looking for. Red harrings are abound, though.

This just made me smile:

Coming Attractions

Truth be told, I'm a huge fan of cinema. Sadly, while I am away at college, there are no movie theatres nearby. I tend to fall behind on what is new and coming out, especially because I don't watch TV in college either. I'm going to take a few minutes to look at some movies that are coming out that I am interested in, if nothing more than a reference for myself.

American Gangster
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0765429/trailers-me60061652
In my younger years this movie might not have appealed to me, but I have to say it looks interesting. I'll likely give it a look see eventually.

Hitman
Yeah, the movie probably wont be that great, but I love the game so I might as well give it a shot.

Awake
Its not necessarily the movie but Hayden Christensen that I want to see in this. I heard he's a really great actor, and his work in the Star Wars series was due to George Lucas's direction. I really want to see what Christensen is capable of.

The Golden Compass
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0385752/trailers-me60480803
This seems to be straight up goodness. Not much more to say than this will likely be one of the bigger movies to come out in a while.

I Am Legend
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480249/trailers-screenplay-E33164-310
I don't know anyone who would speak ill of Will Smith. He's a great actor who has stared in some of the most popular movies in the last decade. This movies seems like it'll be another good success. Apparently he will be fighting zombies/vampires. Will Smith + post apocolyptic NYC + Vampires = solid entertainment.

Youth Without Youth
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0481797/trailers-me60459433
I'm not sure what to make of this movie yet since I don't know much about it, but I do know two themes include immortality and time which is enough to catch my eye.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0408236/trailers-screenplay-E35334-314
It seems a lot of movies I'm looking at lately draw me because of the actors. This happened again. Not only am I a huge Johny Depp fan, but I love Alan Rickman too. I haven't yet disliked a Tim Burton film, the number among my favorites infact. Couple that with my growing fixation on madmen the likes of The Joker, this movie will likely be my next big fixation.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
I'm sad to admit I want to see this, especially after how much I was dissapointed with the first. However, I still love each franchise.

Cassandra's Dream
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0795493/trailers-screenplay-E36088-314
Like American Gangster, I wouldn't have been drawn to this type of movie when I was younger. I won't be jumping to see this movie in theatres, but I'll definatly make an effort to see it.

One Missed Call
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479968/trailers-me60641262
I'm a huge horror fan, and there is little to get excited about in this day and age. This looks like it'll be in the vain of The Grudge and the Ring, all of which based off of Japanese Horrors. I don't know, though, might be one too many movies of this type.

Cloverfield
While I don't know if my desire to see it will last (due mostly to the fact little is known), a monster movie set in New York definatly has me interested.

The Air I Breathe
Based off of a Chinese proverb, it seems like it'll definatly be something new. I always like movies this pretentious.

The Eye
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0406759/trailers-screenplay-E35391-314
What sold me was the trailer. I'll have to look into this a bit more.

In Bruges
I always find hitmen interesting. While a quick IMDB summary is all I've read, it's on the list for now.

Pathology
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0964539/trailers-screenplay-E35135-314
I wasn't too excited after reading the summary, but the trailer made me have a second glance. Damn, way too many movies listed here have to deal with murder.

Jumper
http://www.jumperthemovie.com/
Part of me things this may be a typical Hollywood movie, the other half tells me Sam Jackson and Hayden Christensen are in it. Hmm...


10,000 B.C.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443649/trailers-screenplay-E33985-314
I'm not super excited to see this yet, but it looks like it might be worth a glance.

Iron Man
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371746/trailers-screenplay-E34667-314
The next big super hero film, why not just be a slave to its popularity? It actually seems like it'll be pretty good. Any non-Superman super hero movie will be good after Spiderman 3. I can be wrong, however...

Indiana Jones andthe Kingdom of Crystal Skulls
Do I have a reason not to see this movie (answer: no)

The Incredible Hulk
Lol, remaking a Hulk film so soon just made me laugh, Ed Norton is attatched, so I might actually see it.

The Dark Knight
If you don't go see this movie I will put the Joker makeup on, come to your house, and re-enact the best seen of Resevoir Dogs on you.

Well, hope you enjoyed that. I'm guessing several movies will drop and then be added to this list, especially seeing its late and my judgement isn't that sound. Oh well, g'night all.