These decisions I must make...I'm hesitating. I've preached decisive action and now I am left feeling like a hypocrit. What happened to valuing friendship? What happened to feeling a connection to people. I feel like I've lost so much. I feel like I'm lost. I've fallen and instead of knowing how to stand I find all I wish is to sleep. It's my sole want, for I can't really put my finger on clear wants.
I do a great deal, but is what I do what I want to do? Do I merely want the title of one who does such things? Is who I'm with who I want? Are those I'm not with the ones I want? I am a wayward ship without a compas, and a cloudy sky blocking my view of the stars. Buddha says there is a source to all suffering, but it is one I have yet to find. Is it because I have to work to find it, and it's just so much easier to sleep? Why do I not sleep just to satisfy the urge?
I want to create right now. I want to be valuable. I want my life to have some value to me. It seems my problem is I keep wanting that stock to go up.
Why can't I talk to her? Why can't she talk back? Does she want to listen? Will it all be healthy? Whose setting the trap this time? I want to solve the mystery. I believe time brings with it closure. Is that a lie? It is, and it might we why I'm waiting for the future.
Closure.
Close.
Lose.
I want to feel lust again. I haven't felt it in weeks. I want something to ignite passion in me. I want to lust.
Fuck you. Fuck you for judging me. You all feel the same and yet "eww Jake" hides your own fucking shame. I hate you. Why do you do this to me? I want to cause you all pain. I want to share my suffering with you. Then you can see. I have the potential to be a madman.
Absurd Ramblings of a tired Madman.
Maybe I can love you all after I've reconciled my hate. You've hurt me so often. Fuck you.
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