Yesterday I finished classes, although I didn't go to any of them. Seems like that's been thte story of this semester. It's a bad habit I have a bad feeling I won't shake next semester. Of all the things I feel I should take seriously academics is the foremost, and of all the things I take seriously academics is the leastmost.

So many things have happened this semester, and so much has changed, yet it seems like very little progress has been made. There is definatly a lesson I learned, or at least things I was supposed to unlearn. Two steps forward and one step back, and all that shit. I crossed that line I promised myself I'd never crossed, but it wasn't as shallow as I thought, but it's no place to dwell for too long.

Tuesday brought with something I had desired more than anything else: closure. I had braced myself to be hurt, but I wasn't surprisingly. It was odd, walking away from it all I felt free. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It seemed like I had before me an infinite series of possibilities, and the fact that I met new people later that day proved it. Tonight even brought further proof of my freedom. It feels good.

I am still so young and have so much to learn. It doesn't quite make me happy, but it does seem to give me purpose.

What do I want in a girl? It's a question I've asked myself a lot, and with each person I like I revise what I like, what I want.

I want a girl who is artsy. She likes to do things ranging from crafts to performing arts. I want to have poetry written about me. I want us to lose ourseles in our own creativity.

I want a girl who not only things naming her breasts The Sound and The Fury is a hilarious idea, but she'll go along with it.

I want a girl who enjoys being physicall active

I want a girl who is curvy and mostly comfortable with the fact she is curvy.

I want a girl with strange whims I can indulge.

I want a girl who can be my Harley Quinn, and I her Joker. I want a girl who can be my Mara Jade, and I her Luke Skywalker. I want a girl who can be my Tonks, and I her Lupin.

I want a girl who will come to my shows, and I want to be able to return the favor just the same. I want to sit in her audience and smile and see her shine.

I want a girl who'll enjoy baking with me, then cuddle under a nice toasty blanket for the rest of the evening as we savor our delicious but imperfect cookies.

I want a girl who I can make laugh. She won't get Will Farrel and she'll fall in love with all the funny shit I enjoy. I want a girl who is curiously ignorant of good comedy but willing to learn.

I want a girl who feels just as lost as I do.

I want a girl with a healthy appreciation for video games and the internet.

I want a girl who loves a good massage and can give one in return, especially scratching the bag of her head.

I want a girl who has suffered.

I want a girl who wants some adventure, to see and explore the world.

I want a girl with a healthy taste for hard liquor.

I want a girl who can be aggressive, but I can make quiver and tremble when it comes right down to it.

I want a girl who likes musicals and will sing poorly with me, we'll half-mumble the lyrics to our favorite indie songs together, and then dance like crazy when something catchy is playing. I want us to dance with no music playing.

I want a girl who likes to dress up in odd fashions, and will go clothes shopping with me to the Salvation Army. We'll rock the place and she'll actually buy the craziest thing I pick out for her.

I want a girl who will pretend to have an argument with me just to freak people out.

I want a girl who goes all out with her love for her favorite fictionl characters.

I want a girl who can surprise me and make me laugh. She'll have a black sense of humor.

I want a girl who wants to care about politics but is fed up as all hell, and doesn't see the point anymore.

I want The Science of Sleep or Eternal Sunshine to be our movie.

I want a girl who is reading this not to be discouraged if she doesn't match these all that much. I, like the rest of humanity, would likely burn paradise if it were given to me.

Update

Revelation after revelation. It's funny as all hell. The past few weeks have had their dissapointments and their stressors, but I feel like I'm definatly calming back down. I've been intense and passionate for the past few months, but I feel like its just time to relax. Try for things that are more fulfilling, substantial, and worthwhile. When it happens it'll happen I suppose. Just enjoy what I have while its here I suppose.

Seems like half of the people I know have some sort of relationship drama. Either someone wants someone they can't have, have someone after them they don't want, or keep clinging on to sinking/unhealthy relationships. At least you, Vic, have something stable (although congrats to Jamie! Knew it'd happen sometime). I seem to have a little smattering of the first two, although I'm avoiding the third like the plague. After the whole Julie mess I want to do things right. As for the first part, yeah, I can't think of anytime when I was single that lasted more than a month that I haven't had a liking for someone. All natural I suppose. As for people liking me whom I have no interest in...no comment. But almost all my friends though...shit, definatly makes it so I have no desire to bitch and moan anymore.

Hmm....what else has been on my mind? I haven't spoken my mind in a while. At least not the full context of my mind. So yeah, I want to be an actor now among other things. That's solidifying more and more, and it's intimidating as all fuck. Well, everything is intimidating as all fuck, but you have to grow up sometimes. I have a lot of grounds to catch up on. So much. Hey, there are a lot of successful actors who started the game far later than I, so who knows. I'm looking to try out for the Wolf in Into the Woods. Here would be my big song if I got it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivVTPr8k9ok&feature=related

Lol, that would be amazing.

I was talking to my friend about how she likes my other friend (yep, everyone is having relationship issues. Makes everyone seem like whiney bitches). She's definatly into him and expresses as much, and I've talked to himand he says he likes her a bit too, but there's something missing he says. After a while of talking about it with him we came to the conclussion that he's not making a move cause its not a challenge. He knows she wants him and, truth be told, where's the fun in that? I normally like being direct, but he mentioned how he likes the mystery, it adds to the fun, and now that I think of it I have to agree. I think that's what I've been missing: a challenge. Seems like most girls I have any interest in either come on too strong or are with someone else. Almost no one is that exciting challenge I'm looking for. Red harrings are abound, though.

This just made me smile:

Coming Attractions

Truth be told, I'm a huge fan of cinema. Sadly, while I am away at college, there are no movie theatres nearby. I tend to fall behind on what is new and coming out, especially because I don't watch TV in college either. I'm going to take a few minutes to look at some movies that are coming out that I am interested in, if nothing more than a reference for myself.

American Gangster
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0765429/trailers-me60061652
In my younger years this movie might not have appealed to me, but I have to say it looks interesting. I'll likely give it a look see eventually.

Hitman
Yeah, the movie probably wont be that great, but I love the game so I might as well give it a shot.

Awake
Its not necessarily the movie but Hayden Christensen that I want to see in this. I heard he's a really great actor, and his work in the Star Wars series was due to George Lucas's direction. I really want to see what Christensen is capable of.

The Golden Compass
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0385752/trailers-me60480803
This seems to be straight up goodness. Not much more to say than this will likely be one of the bigger movies to come out in a while.

I Am Legend
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480249/trailers-screenplay-E33164-310
I don't know anyone who would speak ill of Will Smith. He's a great actor who has stared in some of the most popular movies in the last decade. This movies seems like it'll be another good success. Apparently he will be fighting zombies/vampires. Will Smith + post apocolyptic NYC + Vampires = solid entertainment.

Youth Without Youth
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0481797/trailers-me60459433
I'm not sure what to make of this movie yet since I don't know much about it, but I do know two themes include immortality and time which is enough to catch my eye.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0408236/trailers-screenplay-E35334-314
It seems a lot of movies I'm looking at lately draw me because of the actors. This happened again. Not only am I a huge Johny Depp fan, but I love Alan Rickman too. I haven't yet disliked a Tim Burton film, the number among my favorites infact. Couple that with my growing fixation on madmen the likes of The Joker, this movie will likely be my next big fixation.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
I'm sad to admit I want to see this, especially after how much I was dissapointed with the first. However, I still love each franchise.

Cassandra's Dream
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0795493/trailers-screenplay-E36088-314
Like American Gangster, I wouldn't have been drawn to this type of movie when I was younger. I won't be jumping to see this movie in theatres, but I'll definatly make an effort to see it.

One Missed Call
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479968/trailers-me60641262
I'm a huge horror fan, and there is little to get excited about in this day and age. This looks like it'll be in the vain of The Grudge and the Ring, all of which based off of Japanese Horrors. I don't know, though, might be one too many movies of this type.

Cloverfield
While I don't know if my desire to see it will last (due mostly to the fact little is known), a monster movie set in New York definatly has me interested.

The Air I Breathe
Based off of a Chinese proverb, it seems like it'll definatly be something new. I always like movies this pretentious.

The Eye
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0406759/trailers-screenplay-E35391-314
What sold me was the trailer. I'll have to look into this a bit more.

In Bruges
I always find hitmen interesting. While a quick IMDB summary is all I've read, it's on the list for now.

Pathology
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0964539/trailers-screenplay-E35135-314
I wasn't too excited after reading the summary, but the trailer made me have a second glance. Damn, way too many movies listed here have to deal with murder.

Jumper
http://www.jumperthemovie.com/
Part of me things this may be a typical Hollywood movie, the other half tells me Sam Jackson and Hayden Christensen are in it. Hmm...


10,000 B.C.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443649/trailers-screenplay-E33985-314
I'm not super excited to see this yet, but it looks like it might be worth a glance.

Iron Man
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371746/trailers-screenplay-E34667-314
The next big super hero film, why not just be a slave to its popularity? It actually seems like it'll be pretty good. Any non-Superman super hero movie will be good after Spiderman 3. I can be wrong, however...

Indiana Jones andthe Kingdom of Crystal Skulls
Do I have a reason not to see this movie (answer: no)

The Incredible Hulk
Lol, remaking a Hulk film so soon just made me laugh, Ed Norton is attatched, so I might actually see it.

The Dark Knight
If you don't go see this movie I will put the Joker makeup on, come to your house, and re-enact the best seen of Resevoir Dogs on you.

Well, hope you enjoyed that. I'm guessing several movies will drop and then be added to this list, especially seeing its late and my judgement isn't that sound. Oh well, g'night all.

Myself and a few friends are considering putting together a little movie. I was going to write down my idea here, but I ended up typing it out over AIM so I'll just repost it. Pardon the poor quality.

it'd be about a guy, we'll call him David for now, in college who has been in a mild depression from a while. He hates what he does, but he's trudging along through school in the hopes that he'll eventually be happy
he ends up meeting a girl and falls for her. She inspires him to realize he needs to be happy in the moment. He starts to follow all of his wildest dreams and he has a brief moment of happiness until her feelings for her ex resurface and she gets back with that guy
David flies back into a depression for a bit, but instead of returning to what he was, he becomes a bit of a charicature of what he wanted to be: he's now loud, outgoing, the life of the party, etc, but that wears on him too after time
it'll all resolve with him feeling him realizing his new life isn't what he wants either and the girl he liked breaking up with her boyfriend. I dont want to end it on something happy like them getting together, but it ends with the possibility open and them taking things slow

One Late Night

I walked back into the room to find her gone. I had no idea when she's return, but sleep was beckoning and all of my muscles ached. I slid off my dirty shoes and made my way past the door frame. A soft, warm light illuminated the room just enough to be able to see, and I detected a scent that I could not place but had instilled a certain sense of nostalgia and comfort. I heard the gentle melodies of Simon and Garfunkel, and was pleasantly surprised to find it coming from an old fashioned record player that was kept in pristine condition. The room was clean, and I suddenly felt horribly out of place in my muddy jeans and old black t-shirt. I wanted a shower badly, but seeing as I had nothing to shower with and I was in an all girls dorm, I gave up on the notion.

My eyes moved around the room, taking in all the details as I tried to get a better understanding of her. The room looked like it was decorated and kept with such care that each bit would offer me a glimpse at who she really was. Every poster, every potted plant, every bit of furniture started to give me pieces off the puzzle, but only by silencing my mind and letting the room soak into me could I start to feel it. There was nothing tangible that I could possibly relate, but the intagible offered me so much. What I can say is that more than anything else, even beyond the insecurities at my own unkempt appearance, is that I felt safe, and that was the most telling detail of all.

The quiet click of the door alerted me to the fact that she had returned. She wore colorful pajamas and a towel around her neck, and how she looked seemed wholly different from what she was a mere half-hour prior. She now seemed my exact opposite. The tension in her small frame seemed to have been washed away with the dirt and grime while my every muscle felt tought. My hair was still caked with sweat, while hers was soft and gentle. He skin was warm to the touch, while mine must have seemed as cold as the late October night. I felt horribly out of place and wanted nothing more to disolve into the room around me with every sensation.

Despite unkempt state, she invited me into bed with her. She pulled me in close and I held her tight. With soft voices, we whispered to each other our inner thoughts and insecurites. My one desire was to give her with the same sense of security she was providing me. Despite how heavy sleep called to me, I tried to stay awake to make the moment last as long as it could. We talked for hours and for the first time in a long time I felt myself again. It wasn't until the sun was about rear its head over the tree line that we finally drifted off to sleep.

For a while I was worried; I thought I had everything I wanted. A while ago I used the equation happiness = satisfaction/desires. Well, while having too many desires can be a bad thing, you still can't divide by zero. We all have to want something. I thought I didn't. I was wrong.

While I've denied it for a while, I can't any longer with it now in reach. Is it in reach? I don't know...I never could quite tell. I thought I had lost it for good. How time does make a fool out of us all. *sigh* I hate being the fool.

To Tricia,

Not exposed at all, actually. It's not a bad thing, merely intriguing.

I just woke up from a really odd dream. I think it started with me on a movie set, but it progressed to me with a megacorporation hunting me and a few others. Two people in Agents were among us, but the one who really stood out was this one girl. Normally not my type at all, I surprisingly really enjoyed her company, and really started to fall for her at the end of my dream. It's a shame she was a dream, though.

Moving on from the ramblings of a half-asleep Jake, the Joker costume worked out really well. I don't have the time right now to list all of the notable reactions, but just know that the costume was sufficiently scary enough. I can't wait til Halloween.

I'm also a bit curious as to the comments on my last post: the first one being deleted before I could read it, and the second one (although I did just read it while half-asleep) is interesting.

Anyways, I'm off to go shower and find a way to keep my hair from being green and my eyebrows from being black.

I had a good weekend. Shame it's over already. Well, there is still some time left I suppose; it can become more interesting. Friday was fun, although not extroardinary. I was able to hang out with Steph for a while, watched Are you Afraid of the Dark, and played a little Katamari. Afterwards I saw a movie with Ashley and Dan, and proceeded to run into other Agents throughout the night.

Saturday was really fun. I got to buy the last of my items for the Halloween costume, as well as a few Batman graphic novels. I spent the morning with Kate and Scott shopping, and Goddamn that was crazy awesome. Then was the hay ride. I had the pleasure of being Frankenstein. I thought it was going to suck at first, because I had no clue how the hell I was going to dance for two minutes infront of people. It turned out to be a lot easier than I had expected, and vastly more fun. The time really flew by and I made $105! Good fucking times. Didn't really do anything after though. Got some food and then went to bed.

Then I had the Magic daft today. I was fairly lucky in that Josh Pittman was the only other person to draft red. While I won't bore you with the details, I had a strong Elemental/Giant/Goblin deck with minute splashes of black, green, and white. Stinkdrinker Daredevil was a strong basis for the deck, and I brought out really powerful Giants that raped pretty early. Hell, dropping 4/3s for one red is a solid drop I'd say.

Well, I should be off to go do someting productive. See you all [Laughter]

Music Videos

I have to say that I'm a huge fan of music videos as a medium. Sure, there are a lot of shitty ones out there, but there are also a good amount of really good ones. I love music videos for their sheer emotive abilities. The can tell a story, but more often than not it's completely expressive. Here is a collection of some of my favorite music videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8BWBn26bX0

I found out about this group recently, and I have to say I am a fan. While the music video is a very literal interpretation of the random sound clips in the song, it works well. The song is just very intense and I've literally spent hours dancing to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImoC-ib1Jhc

I love Indian music, and this music video does not disappoint. Dancing cowboys are always fun, especially when they put Michael Jackson to shame.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bAN7Ts0xBo

On the other end of the spectrum in Indian music is this gem. I have no clue what's going on, but its fun none the less. I can't quite tell if I'm laughing because of how fun it is, or at the dancing (as culturally insensitive as that is). Either way, a great watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4S7sN_98tg

While I'm not a huge hip-hop fan, I'm a huge fan Missy Elliot and Busta Rhymes. Their music are always a trip. Greatest trip among these is this music video. There is no explanation for this music. None.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI

What entry on music videos would be complete without this ensemble? The music video that exploded onto the Internet, it speaks for itself. All I know is that me and my friends have been planning to reenact this for about a year now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvIw5ZqC1ms

Another big hit, who wasn't addicted to this song when it came out? Got to love Beatles references, especially in that shade of green.

T.W.O.

Deadman: Why am I so still?
Voice: Because you are dead.
Deadman: Oh...will I get to see God?
Voice: There is no God.
Deadman: ...okay

In a caricature of this reality, there were a people known only as the Timeless. The Timeless dwelt deep within a northern forest, where they lived agelessly without care or concern. Free from strife, the lived a childlike existence of pure bliss. The lofty trees provided secure homes while the native fruits and wildlife provided all the nurishment they needed. All of the Timeless believed they had the perfect existance. That is, all but one...

One day, the wisest among the Timeless (known simply as The Wise One or T.W.O.) declared that he wanted to die. The people were shocked. Never had they even cause to think of something as frightening as death, and yet here the most respected among them had stated his intentions to find it. What surprised the Timeless even more was the fact that he said this without fear or despair; T.W.O. was completely calm. In fact, the usually pensive T.W.O. seemed more content than ever.

I just jotted that down quickly. It's an idea for a fairly surreal story I want to write. I'd like to make it third-person limited or even first person, but I will see. This was more of just a quick practice. Suggestions are greatly appreciated.

No Loving-Kindness

There was an old woman in China who had supported a monk for over twenty years. She had built a little hut for him and fed him while he was meditating. Finally she wondered just what progress he had made in all this time.

To find out, she obtained the help of a girl rich in desire. "Go and embrace him," she told her, "and then ask him suddenly: 'What now?'"

The girl called upon the monk and without much ado caressed him, asking him what he was going to do about it.

"An old tree grows on a cold rock in winter," replied the monk somewhat poetically. "Nowhere is there any warmth."

The girl returned and related what he had said.

"To think I fed that fellow for twenty years!" exclaimed the old woman in anger. "He showed no consideration for your needs, no disposition to explain your condition. He need not have responded to passion, but at least he should have evidenced some compassion."

She at once went to the hut of the monk and burned it down.

On Desire

It's not finished yet, but tell me what you think.

When I woke up today, I wanted some water. It was fairly dry in the room and, coupling that with the remnants of a cold, I was pretty damn dehydrated. I hopped out of bed, slid on a pair of slippers, and meandered down to the nearest sink. My mouth was dry and I responded by drinking water. It seems fairly self-evident that the motivation for my action was thirst.

By looking at motivation more deeply, one element seems universal: desire. My mouth was dry and I wanted it not to be. What precipitated said desire is debatable; did it come about because of thirst or did it result from the stimulus and cause the thirst? I have neither the insight nor the inclination to address such a topic. What does seem feasible for me to address is how central desire is to our lives.

It is hard to define desire. Desire seems so intuitive to us that putting it into words is near impossible. Even Merriam-Webster is hard pressed not to have a circular definition. However, since it is so familiar to us all it affords us the luxury of not having to define it. After all, the goal of this paper is not to argue semantics but rather expound upon an observation.

I have observed that every person has desires. They can range from something as simple as longing for a cookie after lunch to something as grand as wanting to be a professor someday. They can last mere moments or stretch on for our entire lives. The fact that I am even writing this sentence is due in no small part to the fact that I want a good grade.

Desire itself seems to be a disparity between ones current circumstances and their ideal circumstances. While it can be argued that sometimes people act to perpetuate their circumstances (such as those who have already attained their ideal), is it not true those people are still working towards their ideal by preventing its decay? Our ideal circumstances seem to present us with some measure of happiness and perhaps it is this rather than the ideal circumstances them selves that we seek.

Some philosophers have said the key to happiness is not achieving greater satisfaction but by limiting our desires. It is almost like a math equation, where

Happiness = Satisfaction/Desires

Unfortunately, American culture seems to be solely concerned with inspiring desire. We’re constantly bombarded with advertisements that persuade us to believe their products or services are the solution to our woes. How often have you really wanted something, only to get it and be disappointed? It wasn’t that it did not provide enough satisfaction so much that your desire for it was too great.

I often wonder why so many in our society seem to be discontent. Is it like this all around the world? Has humanity always been this way? Is true happiness impossible? These are all questions I am sure most have asked at least once.

On Desire

I have to write a paper on an observation about human behavior. It can be any human behavior I observe, and the fun part to add to that is the fact that its an opinion paper. Science and logic be damned, this is an excuse for me to actually say something without thinking I don't know enough to say something of merrit (although I feel the same about most others people as well).

I've decided my short little paper will be on desire. I once heard someone say "there are two types of people, those who go after what they want, and those that don't", and that statement carries with it the assumption that as a species we all desire something. What does it mean to want something? How does it affect us? How has the modern world shaped our desires? Is it possible to free our selves from desire? These are all questions I'm going to try to tackle in this paper, which eventually I'd like to post here. While you all aren't that excited, I am. It's the first time in about a year I've had to write a paper and I miss it a bit.

On Improv, part 1

I thought it was about time I wrote about improv. While I don't think of it as a passion, looking at my involvement in it and what not qualifies it as such I suppose. Hell, I've considered it as a career, so yeah...

Anyways, I'd like to compile a little bit of an autobiography for my experience with improv, cause why not? When I was a kid, Whose Line Is It Anyways? was always one of my favorite shows. I remember a few times (usually in the back of a bus on school trips) I'd try some of the whose line games with friends, and tended to do fairly well with them. It wasn't hard being funny and being in 7th grade at the same time, though. Just have to make a dick or outlandish sex joke and you're solid.

Throughout high school I never did theatre or anything like that. I had always wanted to try it, to see what it was like, but I was always a bit intimidated by it, so when I came to college I never expected I'd do anything close to it. I had first heard about the Agents of Improv from the posters they had. I almost went to their first show, but my schedule conflicted (think it was Chem lab). It wasn't until two of my friends (Liz and Brenna, and I met Dan through them) had joined Agents that I wanted to try it. I thought they were pretty funny, and Liz and Brenna kept talking about how much fun it was.

Then one day, sitting in my usual seat in the lounge, Dan happened to run past me. He was on his way to improv and he invited me to come. Thus began the dark chapter in my life that will likely land me an E!True Hollywood Story. It was definatly intimidating at first. My first day was the day the Agents pulled off their Mobeus. Everyone was talking a mile a minute and bouncing off the walls. I was the only new guy in the room, and besides Dan, Brenna, and Liz, I had only seen these guys on stage (talk about a wierd feeling, it felt like some kind of mockery of reality). They started with their business, while I sat their, not quite sure what was going on. I think everyone is a bit disoriented at first, just because Agents isn't quite like many other clubs you'll find. It wasn't until Ted (our former MC) had mentioned that he'd like to be able to get a gorilla costume for a new form of improv that I was fully inducted into the Agents.

"I have a gorilla costume." I said after raising my hand. The room went fairly quiet and they all stared at me in surprise.
"Welcome to the Agents!" Ted ran over and started shaking my hand, "Come, sit over here in the center of the group."

Business quickly concluded and then games began. Since my first meeting was an advanced practice (before they became audition only) I didn't really play that many games as opposed to did exercises. It was a lot at once, but becuase everyone was involved with them at once, I didn't have the pressure of being center stage. Eventually, though, it was time for my first scene. We were doing work on status and I was paired up with Emily. The game was we both had to be as high status as possible (there are nuances with this, that unfortunatly I've been too wordy to get into an explanation of here). I just so happened to be wearing a blazer and can be somewhat of a pretentious bastard if the mood strikes, so I lucked out. My first scene went really well, and that felt awesome.

My second scene, however, wasn't that great. The current MC of Agents puts people up on stage with intention. Other than games like Freeze and Questions only, I have yet to see an entire scene comprised of people with little to no experience. He usually has at least one person with some experience up there. He has good reason to. My second scene was with Kyle, who himself was new at improv. It was a really awkward scene that seemed to last forever. I had to demonstrate the characteristics of a snake. While I could likely list off a ton now, when I got up on stage all I could think of was talking in a lisp (and a horrible one at that) and flicking my tongue, occasionally adding a wiggle. The scene bombed, and the high I had from my previous scene was instead replaced by a bout of self consciousness.

I kept going to more and more meetings, occasionally getting up for a scene here or there. There would be times where I'd get some laughs, times when there would be silence, and I personally would range from flying on clouds to feeling like pure and utter shit. Improv at first does that, so don't worry about failure. Honestly, all the fuck ups I had were worth it. It was rough, but it taught me get over my stage fright. Hell, no one really gave a fuck if I screwed up. They'd give me some advice if I asked for it and then go about their games. It's a shame there are so many people currently. Don't get me wrong, its great for the group, but its harder for everyone to get a chance to go up or perform.

It was after another scene with Kyle that I had experience carrying a scene. When you're new its often fairly hard to be in charge of a scene. Most people just stand in the sidelines and let the experienced people make shit happen, waiting for a chance to interject a quip here and there. This time, however, I had to carry the scene. I had no clue what to do, and I just kind of blanked. The thing was, my mouth just kept moving (much to Kate's dismay, it has yet to stop). I didn't think about what I was saying ahead of time, instead I almost did pure word association. Looking back at it, I adopted a character (in this case, it was just the trait of being purely apathetic), and just stuck to it. I didn't think, I improvised, and it felt really fucking amazing! After you get compliments on a scene afterwards nothing can quite compare to how much of a badass you feel.

Anyways, since this is pretty long I'll write other parts as time goes on. I'll really start getting into tips and techniques in the next one.

Had some wierd dreams last night. Not the bad kind, like I had at the start of the semester. No, I had some crazy ass nightmares but they were fun, all with monsters and shit. Giant invisible ameobas eating people, absorbing the psyche of telepathic ex-rivals, and being in the middle east running from their scary as fuck spiders; all of it good times. Sleep wasn't really restful, but I wasn't tired when I went to bed so I still feel fine.

This abundence of energy resulted from deciding "why not go to the gym?" at 10:15 last night. You see, this was brought on by the fact that I realized I won't be going to capoiera this semester. My schedule only affords me one night a week for it, and so far I've either had hw or the like to do at that time. I have to make up for it somehow (don't want to, in Jess's words "become a fatty") so I decided the gym will be a good idea, and damn it was. Timing, though, could have been a bit better. After I spent a while at the gym, I found a game of hackey sack, and I can never turn down a game of hackey sack. After everything was all said and done, I made it back to my dorm at 12:00.

This may not seem so bad, but mind you I had an 8am the next day. An 8am I managed to sleep through till about 10, living out some crazy ass dreams. Looking at the time now, I should get up and start living out my crazy ass reality.

All the best, world
Jake

Free Association

The night still seems young, but the people have retreated to the solitude of their beds ages ago. In this quietest of hour I can only hear that one stirring question that has been haunting me...

I decided to write something else stream of conscious. I usually only do so when something is bugging me, but since I've never done one while I was fine I thought I'd give it a shot.

It's been in my head all day: I want to hold you close, and I want to tear you apart. It's not rage that I feel, not even mild iritation. Instead I feel free to do as I please, and in my wake leave a wave of mutilation. Have I at last found my voice? Who knows, give it time. That snooty legalise didn't suit me, I was just too busy worrying about sounding knowledgable and reasonable. Mmm...going to tear you apart. Hmm...is that what I want? To dominate? Sounds kinky, might be my bag. I'm not really afraid to seem to forceful anymore. It's a good thing, since I'm starting to think I was self conscious because I didn't want to seem to competative or aggressive. Some days you just have to tear them apart, and in your bloodlust give a smile because you've won. Even if you didn't win, at least you came at them like a berzerker, and for at least one brief moment you made them afraid.

Hehe, that was fun but all hell of crazy. I need to listen to some metal more often.

And to post something more meaningful and substantial, I had a bit of my realization today that the horoscope predicted. Well, not predicted (since I think that stuff is shit), but one I specifically looked for because of said horoscope. This revelation came about while I was thinking of famous fictional villains. Very rarely do we ever see anyone who is truly evil (so much so that I do not believe in evil). Sure, the villain may seem to be evil, but from his perspective he was doing something just and necessary. They percieve a problem in the world around them that has gone unnoticed.
While these self-righteous crusaders think they are tackling a problem present externally, the issue really lies within. To give an example, emo-boy Anakin from the new Star Wars movies.
Anakin believed that the democracy of the Republic didn't have the power to stop injustice. The government had allowed slavers to prosper on the fringes of its borders, for large corporations to buck the law with little reprecussion, and see the entire legislative body become bogged down by bureaucracy. This inability to affect change could only be solved through greater central power.
The weakness he percieved in the Republic was actually a projection of his own feelings of helplessness. He had a certain expectation for himself that he could often not live up to. He was raised to believe he was some chosen one, but with all this power he believed he had he never had control over his life. As powerful as he was, he couldn't keep his mother from dying.
What he simply couldn't do was accept that fact that he didn't have control over his life. Instead of finding fault in himself, he blamed others for holding him back. He blamed others for being weak and ineffective.
To make all this Star Wars bullshit seem relevant, I realized that often times the problems we percieve in others are actually faults with ourselves that for some reason we haven't suspected in ourselves. A few years back I had thought that everyone I knew was discontent with their lives, and the simple bullshit we do day to day such as drinking and what not was merely to cover up that void. It took me a little while to realize that it was actually me who was depressed and felt my life was meaningless, and it was after I realized that I was able to help me address the problem. I still get depressed, but its likely a chemical thing. I do handle it a lot better than I did back then, though. That is why, from now on, whenever I start to think I see an underlying trait in people all around me I try to look internally first. Usuallly, that is where the problem really is.

This post is most certainly absurd.

I want a fuckin' quick fix for how I've been feeling lately. I feel completely irrational and its been like this for a while. I had a dream about my problem. That almost never happens. Never. It's why I guess I've been so restless at night. I think I'm going to be sick. Fuck.

And what the hell is it with me saying fuck? I'm getting a little sick of it as well. I've been using too much slang and what not because of the people I hang out with. Sometimes it feels good to say fuck, but I feel like a tool just for saying it. Tool, that's another word I only picked up around you people. Fuck it.

I think I'm being childish, just with everything lately. Fuck. That's all I can say. This is a tired rant filled with nonsense and bullshit, and no this isn't me being insecure. I fucking hate how I seem so goddamn insecure to all you people. Yeah, I can be insecure but for everyone who think that defines me go fuck yourself.

*sigh* Now that I thouroughly bitched and moaned I feel a tiny bit better. I know what's bothering me, but this isn't the place to deal with it. My problem is that I'm dealing with it poorly, I know I am, its just that I'm in a bad spot. Nothing I can really do but try to weather the storm. If I try to run away it'll all be for nothing. I guess the way I'm feeling might be a sign more for the good, at least if things pan out.

Sorry I'm being ambiguous, if you're reading this and just want to know more just contact me. I'll try to divuldge as much as I'm comfortable with.

Goodnight everyone

Frustrated

For the past two days I have to say I haven't been in that great of a mood. The best way to describe it is I want to be angry, but I can't. I kinda just want to destroy something beautiful.

While I don't want to admit it, I know why I feel this way. I've been so psyched about UConn, about getting the fuck out of here, and having so much to look forward to, I haven't paid attention to all the bad that'll come with it. I swear I must be fucking bipolar, because now that the high I was riding is over, I'm starting to hit a low. When I hit a low these days, though, its not that I get dissapointed with life, but I get dissapointed with myself for getting back to here. For getting my hopes up. What the fuck am I rambling about? I'm just rambling I suppose.

Fuck, I should just be happy with what I have, but it feels good to pine, to desire, and to get your hopes up. Sometimes it feels like this zen ideal I have is more like apathy. I think I just need to bitch. What the hell am I saying?

Something for Something's Sake

I woke up on the couch again this morning. I had weird dreams all throughout the night. I can only remember bits and pieces now, but I remember shoot outs. There were violent gang wars and I was in the middle of it, a man with a vendetta and no hesitation to pull the trigger. The next thing I recall was having killed Victor for some reason, and by the way I felt and the way I acted around Jessica it hadn't been an accident.

It was an odd feeling, waking up, because I was entirely convinced I had killed someone. It made me feel different about myself. I had done something which could not be undone, and the deed had left its mark on me. I really felt like I had killed someone when I woke up, and nothing can really compare to that feeling of self-loathing and complete acceptance of what I had done.

But as I do with each morning, reality slowly reared its ugly head and I was no longer this cold-hearted killer, nor was Victor dead. Victor was probably just getting back from work and heading to bed himself (since he works the night shift) and here I was, staring out the window, waiting for the Sun to banish the last vestiges of night.

I decided today that I'm going to get off my ass and try to do as much as I can. I played pokemon a tiny bit, but quickly just took care of the daily events and turned it off. Then I covered good ground with Goblet of Fire. Right now, though, I think I'm about to pop into the shower, dress in some clothes I like, and head out for a good walk. I think I might bring my camera with me, but I've already walked this route so much that I doubt I'll see something new. Might be a good time to wander someplace new.

monologue intérieur

Wanting something to write but not being able to think of something to write, maybe I should end this sentance. Self conscious about my writing, why do I write (why should I write) when I have nothing to say to no one in particular. What will anthropologists see while looking through the internet centuries from now? It's something I will never know, because when I die I cease to be what is me and become something else, and the future will go on without me. That is what I am afraid of most: people moving on. I'll miss out on so much when I die. Why do I dwell on death so often? Does it still make life more valuable to me or am I only driven by a morbid curiosity, wondering if life isn't playing some prank on me that will end in a surprise! death is not the end, that was a joke and now you get to really wake up. I'd like that to happen, it means that life cared enough to prank me, but my mind will cease to be but my carbon will be eternal until even death dies. Will the universe die or is it just living a cyclical life and nothing is progressive but instead regressive after one cycle is complete? Does a question mark go there. Does a period go there? I want her to be reading this because I want her, like life, to care. Maybe that's all I need. Someone to care. Does my dad care? I don't know, I thought I didn't care about him but I'm starting to choke up. Who is reading this? I'd like to know because I care. I'm sorry for all the times I've seemed callous my friends, I care more than I let on I just don't know how to show it in any other way than making you smile. Writing this down made me smile. It's made my day better. I hope your day is now better.

A Quick Reflection

Peering at my schedule, I face a daunting week. Tomorrow I must awaken early and finish some laundry before it all begins. At first I will head to the bank then Game Stop to allow for a small little indulgence (the newest Pokemon was just too enticing). This will be followed by a trip to Redding, where I will start filming. I am told this weekend will be the tightest thus far, due to the combination of long set ups, complicated tech, and very emotional scenes. I then will likely stay with a friend of mine up at Storrs Mon/Tues/Wed because I film all those days as well. Meaning I likely won't be home till Thursday morning. Alas, I have an 8 hour day of work Thursday (getting off at 7), followed by the same on Friday. Meaning I technically won't be free till next week.

While I like being busy, I don't really like having such a rigid schedule. I like fluidity because, truth be told, I'm a bit whimsical. I like having the freedom of flexibility. Oh well, I guess I have to get used to it, growing up and all. I don't know, though, I just feel like I'm right at that point where I could make a big mistake and 'grow up'. I don't mean maturing, but rather settling on my lot in life. It's the biggest thing I'm afraid of. Last time I felt like I knew what life had in store for me it sent me spiraling into a deep depression. While security is comforting, I want to be surprised and excited about life.

Not to say that life doesn't have its surprises. It does, and it seems that lately when monotony sets in there is usually something small to rattle the cages. It's just something else I'm looking for. Maybe adventure. "Adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things." *sigh* I think of all things this is why I'd make a good Jedi.

It's times like these that make me appreciate what I have in life though. For what bitching I do, I have to say I feel like I'm a very fortunate guy. I'm healthy, I have a decent family and caring friends, I'm relatively intelligent and creative, I have a good job, and I'd like to think of myself as fairly good looking. There are a lot of things I take for granted. At the beginning of this past school year I made a promise to myself that I'd no longer take friends for granted. In that regard I think I did fairly well. For the past week, though, I haven't really had the chance to hang out with my best friend, Victor. It's a bit disappointing because I wont be able to again until next week. Oh well, at least I will hopefully get that.

Leaflets

Impossible connotations about nothing' too worthwhile and I tell to otherwise silly erudite economists caught against insipid tides lonely inviting none. Basking eternally in nightly garb while inviting tremendous honors heaving endless righteous injustices sutured every-time nietzsche jumbles ornate yarns about beautiful long evenings, based upon the ignominious tail' sadly not orated today juxtaposed universal shabby tenders branded euphorically cryptic and utterly sagely even Illicitly ludicrously irrelevant keeping everything here endlessly retired. I almost managed eleven angry geraniums enduring rudimentary totalitarian oppression grafted elbow to tongue over kernels now owned willfully hoped every reading bitter elongated tattered twist evermore resplendent.

Good? Bad?

An old man and his son worked a small farm, with only one horse to pull the plot. One day, the horse ran away.
"How terrible," sympathized the neighbors. "What bad luck."
"Who knows whether it is bad luck or good luck," the farmer replied.
A week later, the horse returned from the mountains, leading five wild mares into the barn.
"What wonderful luck!" said the neighbors.
"Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?" answered the old man.
The next day, the son, trying to tame one of the horses, fell and broke his leg.
"How terrible! What bad luck!"
"Bad luck? Good luck?"
The army came to all the farms to take the young men for war. The farmer's son was of no use to them, so he was sparred.
"Good? Bad?"

It's a short, simple little story I've always liked. While there isn't too much meat to it, it's the meaning that's important. In essence, it states that there are no such things as good events or bad events. Good and bad events are merely a matter of perspective, perspectives that often change with the passage of time.

I'm right at that point again where I'm at the cusp of change. It's nothing tangible, merely a strong feeling that is telling me that everything I was worried about will work out. To quote Modest Mouse "I love life's surprises so much I don't want to know what's ahead." All the bad things, or at least what I viewed as bad at the time, have seemed to work out for the best now. I feel better now. Hell, I feel, which is a good change of pace. Unfortunatly two of my friends have been having a hard time.

I've been thinking about one of them a bit today, and how bad her situation seems to be right now. I'm not even sure what I want to write in this entry. I've rewritten it a few times, and I've decided that since she will likely be the main person to read this one I might as well direct it towards her.

When I become depressed, words of encouragement tend to do nothing for me. I'll spare you them for fear of it sounding too disingenuous. If you are reading this, then I just first want to thank you for taking an interest in me (it really does mean a lot to me). Secondly, while I don't presume to claim I know you that well, I tend to be a good judge of character. Whether you know it or not you seem strong, the type of strong that only comes from facing many hardships. Just seeing that gives me confidence that things will work out for you. After I got your message today I was worried about you, but I know you'll pull through. Hopefully that brings you some encouragement.

People come and people go. Cherish them and cherish the precious time you have.

Flighty and Wistful; A Rant on the Female Gender

Those who know me can attest that I am not one prone to stereotypes or sexism (I formally apologize for all Helen Keller remarks), and I want to declare that this isn't an ignorant attack on all women. This is more of an inquiry spurred by my personal experiences with a select few specimens (mainly the ones whom I've dated) and a persistent trait that has caused me a good deal of woe.

I also want to apologize to all my ex girlfriends ahead of time. I really don't want a fight, and I'm not upset at any of you (except one, you know who you are *evil eyes*), this is just something I have seen and would like to address.

Let's start with a hypothetical situation. You've been dating someone for some time now, we'll assume a few months to establish that it is fairly serious instead of a flight of fancy. You're hitting that usual lull that many relationships hit, it occurs when the relationship is no longer new. That fresh, exciting (and not to mention tumultuous) times are becoming more of a permanent fixture in your life. You might be a little bored with your partner, communication may be lapsing, and you are asking yourself that question: "what if it might not work out".

I haven't known any relationships that did not hit this phase, and it's just that, a phase. Some relationships solidify after that, some whither and die, but let us continue with the hypothetical. Now you've hit this point and, despite your best efforts, your heart starts to wander. You see, there is this guy/girl you know, and you think you may be starting to like them. While your current relationship has last that freshness, this person seems amazing! They are fun to talk to and hang out with, and you think there may be some chemistry. What to do? Should you stick with your current significant other or do you move on and try a relationship with your new friend?

Think about that for a minute. Think about every relationship you've been in and possibly of the same situations people you know have been in.

In all my relationships excluding the first (what a horrific, restraining order-inspiring event that was), I have always tried to weather the storm. No matter how much I may have liked the girl, there was always that one point where I was really tempted by someone else. While I regret never mentioning it to my girlfriend-at-the-time (be it justified or not, I always feel guilty about this lapse in communication), I always try to stick with her. Maybe it is the idealist in me, hoping that despite it all this time it might really work out. Maybe it is the coward in me, too afraid to risk a sure thing on what may behind door number two.

Time and time again, however, it seems my relationships fail because my girlfriend-at-the-time falls for someone else. Trust me, I'm not saying that is the only problem the relationship faced. There were defiantly others problems with each one, but when it comes down to that point it seems she ('she' referring to no single ex in particular, but rather the typical in my experiences) decides to go with the 'other guy' for something exciting. For some ex girlfriends it has really worked out for them (Jamie, for instance, just celebrated her one-year with Zach. A sincere congrats to you two!). For others, it ended up backfiring (not going to mention anyone because I'm not the "I told you so" type, as tempting as it may be).

It might just be I'm a horrible mate who will ultimately fail at fulfilling my biological purpose or it might just be the luck of the draw, but from the experiences of nearly every couple I've known it seems to be that the guys stand and the girls fold and look to be dealt a fresh hand (look mom, I made a poker reference!). While it's likely due in large part to the company I keep, I can't help but wonder if that is a common trend. I'd seriously doubt it was something innate to each gender, but if it held any credence I'd but my money on a cultural or societal reason.

Oh well, end rant (or at least my version of a rant). I also want to state that this wasn't solely reactionary to anything that is happening between Julie and I. We're still sorting through things and are on a trial separation. What will become of us is uncertain, but no matter what I wish her the best in all her endeavors.

Insomnia Problema

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Right now it is 6:34 in the morning and I'm awake. The astute among you will realize its odd that I am up this early. What cosmic force could have wakened me from my slumber?

The answer is: nothing woke me. You see I didn't sleep last night. Not a wink. It's not like I tried to stay awake, its just that sleep elluded me once again. I haven't slept all that much in the past week or two. Sometimes I can't get comfortable. Other times I have so many ideas for stories ahd what not that I just can't sleep until I jot them down. Occasionally, its thoughts of Julie and not having her there with me that rob me of my dreams. Those will pass with time, I suppose. If I address that it'll be in a different posting.

The problem is I have the screen test in a little while. I will try to grab some sleep on the ride there, but I'm worried it might affect me negatively. I'm really excited about this movie. It's a rare opportunity for me; I'm acting as the villain, a role I've always wanted, and this could possibly be the stepping stone to something more. Ever since I was young I could remember wanted to be an actor and now that things are happening it's almost surreal.

On a different note, I wanted to record a story concept here. The idea first came to me a few weeks ago while I was still at UConn. Instead of a round Earth, what if the world was a flat, infinite plane? I have to say, I really liked it and toyed with it a bit, even going so far as writing the first chapter. The problem was there was still something missing. It had elements of science fiction and fantasy, but that genre is a bit cluttered unfortunatly. It had elements of steam punk, but I really didn't want to play that up too much because it would detract from the other themes of the story (I didn't want to make technology to centric to the plot). There was also noir and horror, but since I have the comic underway I didn't want to overdo it.

Then two nights ago the idea struck me at 4am. Instead of just writing about the flat plane of existence, the story could be about a guy who is writing about the flat plane of existence. While writing the story, the main character is influenced by the world around him and the story eventually turns into a reflection of his life. I really liked the concept and I think I'll start work on it soon. Just have to find the time and energy to write.

Liberate tutame ex inferis

This is a pointless introduction for an unnecessary blog that few, if any, of the people I care about will ever read. Why should I even bother writing this, other than adding to the multitude of ways to waste time online? Well, I do have my reasons.

You see, I have this secret fantasy that people I care about take an interest in me. I think a lot, and I have a lot to say, but I often times am either too jaded to be open or lack someone who shares my specific interests. I don't mean that as a failure on the part of my friends. No, saying that would be arrogant and selfish of me. Blame lies with me for my own hesitance to open up.

I write this blog because it gives me the chance to open up. I could simply keep a journal, but to be honest I want people to read what I have to say. This offers me that prospect.

This blog also offers me the prospect of testing different creative ideas I have. A lot if it doesn't have to be taken seriously, it's just a way for me to give my imagination a work out.